I came to a realization that I seem to be this super strong independent individual to people who don't really know me. Just because I can come up with a few arguments to win a discussion. I guess it's also because I'm kind of relatively hard headed and people instinctively get intimidated by me before they actually start liking me.
The truth is underneath all that I'm kind of smaller than a crumb of bread, I don't really think highly of myself and I'm pretty much scared of my own shadow. As much as I like being alone and spending time with myself, much due to the fact that I'm a sarcastic individual, I cannot live too long without having someone to lean on.
What I'm trying to say is superficial relationships are not a field of my interest. I've been through those million times before and I see no point in having someone just for money or just for drinking coffee with or just for going out with or whatnot. I can do all those things by myself. The real relationship for me starts when you realize you can have a decent conversation with a person, when you see that the person understands you and feels you in more ways than one, when you realize you'll always have their back cause they were there for you when you needed them most and likewise.
And that's what scares the hell out of people when they get to know me. When they realize that no, I will not be "your friend" just because I have money or just because you can show me around or just because I'm convenient to have cause I live a block away.
It's sad to realize that when I stop being convenient, when I go back to School, people mostly forget about me. That hurts beyond belief, especially because I do not forget about them and I spend time missing them while they are looking for a new convenient friend to have.
People come and go; no one ever stays, right? it's hard for me to believe that because I'm the one who stays, through thick and thin and I don't think it's rude of me to expect that from other people because why would I be the one giving more and not receiving back even half of what I give?
I don't care if you want to call yourself my friend, girlfriend, wife or partner in crime, I will stick by your side. Maybe because I selfishly need you to do the same, I don't know for sure but what I do know is that there are never any strings attached, I do it because I care. And what do I get in return? My conscience telling me I seem to be doing fine by myself! While they are selfishly draining everything I have to give! Ouch people, just ouch
My best friends mom (bless her) said I must be brave for living in Montana without actually having anyone there. I laughed at that because I don't see it as a big deal, thousands of people do the same but she has a point. It takes balls to do that in a way.
But again, I seem to be doing just fine. Indeed
and if not, I'll find a way to be doing fine because if I don't I'd drive myself crazy, the world kind of forces you to be fine by yourself. No one feels like working on a relationship or trying any more, people are growing rapidly apart. Why?
Because we have so much more options today to choose from. the type of school, the subculture to be a part of, the clothes we're going to buy, the job we're going to take, the kind of character we like to see in other people, the kind of coffee we like to drink, the kind of cup we lik

Bak

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